When we examine each of these attachment styles in the context of perceived failure, we can see how each style influences the language we use in the narratives we create for ourselves.
For example, researchers discovered that people who identify as anxious can quickly access memories of being hurt by others, causing hypervigilance toward possible rejection. This fear of rejection can easily become a fear of intimacy and healthy relationships, which is counterintuitive and can occur in real life.
It's important to consider how attachment styles manifest themselves in our behaviors because they can reveal a lot about how we connect with others and how much of our self-esteem is dependent on acceptance. When we are confident in who we are, we gain interpersonal power and more control over how we separate ourselves from our failures.
In normative samples, insecurely attached people account for approximately 65 percent of the population, while 35 percent are insecurely attached; however, in chronic pain patients, these percentages appear to be reversed.
The good news is that we can all develop a secure attachment style. It is not the complete absence of fear of rejection that is important, but rather the recognition of the fear and action in the face of it.
It's about accepting that failure is a necessary part of the process of achieving a goal, and accepting responsibility for our failures. The opinions of others, which can cause rejection anxiety, begin to fade in importance.
I love this article. As a parent, sometimes it is hard to share our failures with our kids and family, but at the same time, it is important to show them that we are all human. Failure does not mean that you are bad, it just means you need to learn from your mistakes and try again.
I wouldn’t necessarily say that we hear a lot of stories about success and not failures I think that the reason the stories are so successful/popular is because of maybe the extreme odds of being against the person and them coming out on top. Because nobody wants to read a story about somebody who’s a millionaire and then they opened up a successful bookstore because they were already a millionaire they didn’t have struggles and nobody would really care. But if you have somebody who was very poor and work their whole life I think it’s kind of the motivation for people to know that they can put their mind to it and they can come out on top. a famous story of perseverance is Thomas Edison And how many times he failed making the lightbulb. This motivates people and inspires them. They don’t forget the failure but know great things don’t come easily sometimes.
I definitely agree with you! I like to read my kids stories about success just like Edison to remind them that they won't have the perfect product on their first try and not to give up. Success stories give people hope and fuels their passion and dreams.
We anticipate an interesting and rewarding experience in the form of a work-related project; however, when we realize that we cannot meet our expected goal or deadline with our limited resources, we become frustrated with ourselves and struggle to reconfigure how we frame this event (failure). While this may not be such a big deal in many contexts, the problem begins when we automatically attribute our failure to being someone else’s fault through a process known as emotional reasoning.
Brian, I believe you nailed it here!
I think so many of us are afraid to share the little "struggle story" online and only share their almost exagerated success! I love it when people are raw and open up with how they fell down over and over until they finally made it. It makes us feel a lot better about our struggle knowing that we arent the only ones. I respect when someone can share how they failed. It is never easy but it is honest.
What a great lesson! Something that needs to be taught to children at a young age. On social media, you see a lot of wildly successful entrepreneurs with books/youtube/podcasts that give advice for success. A lot of times they’ll throw in a small tidbit or two of their struggle, but for the most part is a narrative of success with little obstacles. If someone is trying to emulate that success, and has initial failures, they might believe it because they aren’t smart, or business savvy and quit. In reality, you need those failures to find out what works, and what doesn’t to find success. It’s not enough stories on failure, because failure does bring feelings of shame. People generally don’t like to advertise shameful feelings, but if failure is reframed like mentioned, failure can be viewed as a positive. Failures are lessons on the way to success.
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